Busy busy bee

I look around,
whats it all mean?
I can't stop moving,
I keep going...
and going...

I need a break,
everyone thinks
everything is fine.
I look around,
Maybe it's not.

I continue to think,
what if...
what if this hadn't happened
what if....
where would I be then?

I always think,
this is what I want
right?
It's my choice,
but who am I doing it for?

Is it all worth it
in the end?
Someone please tell me,
please guide me.
what am I to do?

I think,
moving as a busy,
busy bee.
Can't stop.
Won't stop?

Richard Oostra...Monologue

Some people say I’m losing it. I guess at 93 I can admit my mind is going some. My name is Richard Oostra. I’ve lived a lot of life in my 93 years. I am the oldest of thirteen kids. There’s me, John Jr., Ralph, Marinus, Mary, Andrew, Ruth, Berdina, Gerald, Jacob, William John, Andrew, and Robert…Did you catch them all? Did you hear the two Andrews? Well you heard right. My brother, Andrew the first passed away in 1938. He was 15 only 7 years younger than I. He died of puss between one of his lungs and his liver. He had three operations. Two of the appendix and the other for the puss . My brother, Johny and I gave him blood. Johny gave twice and I gave once. It’s sad that it didn’t work. Andrew suffered a lot in his last six weeks going back and forth from the hospital and home. When he went he was at home. At the time, Ma was pregnant with Andrew the second. So we had Andrew and Andy. My childhood wasn’t all that interesting. I spent my time helping take care of the farm with my dad and helping with the kids. On August 2, 1940 I married the love of my life Geraldine Niessink . We married on her parents farm. It was a glorious day. Geraldine was a vision in her white gown. The next year my youngest brother was born. It wasn’t long after that Geraldine and I decided to have our own. My beautiful daughter, Lois Elaine, was born on April 12, 1943. On Dec. 26, 1944 my son Larry Wayne the first was born prematurely and weighed only three pounds at birth. He lived 6 days. It was hard on my family. Geraldine spent a short time with her parents shortly after returning from the hospital. Five years later we were blessed with a second son naming him Larry Wayne. Then on March 5 of 1955 Randall Dean was born. We lived a peaceful life out side of Sioux Center on an acreage. In 1964, we married Lois to a honorable young man, John Hilbelink. They presented us with our first grandchild, a boy, in ‘69. In ‘74 Larry married Twila and in ‘81 Randall married Barbara. Between the three of them, we had nine grandchildren, Stephen, Christa, Heidi, Amanda, Matthew, Aric, Drew, Tyler, and Carson. In ‘88 I lost my sister Berdina. When I was about 80 Geraldine and I moved into the assisted living facility in Sioux Center. Shortly after I had open heart surgery and felt better than I had in years about the same time we received the devastating news that Geraldine had Alzheimer‘s. I took care of her as much as I could. She was my light and I stayed by her side. It started getting bad in her last five years. The last year I didn’t leave her bed side. During that year Johny, Marinus, Ralph, and Gerald went to go meet the LORD. I didn’t leave her side even to go to their funerals. After 68 years of marriage and a long fight with the Alzheimer’s it was my beloved Geraldine’s time to go. I still live in the same nursing home, and to top it off my sisters live there. I don’t happen to visit them very often. Well I guess I better head off. I’m kinda tired.

The Spectrum

Yesterday I went to the Good Samaritan Village. I figured to be greeted with the normal gloom that comes with an assisted living facility after having worked in one while I was in high school. Much to my surprise this was not the case. I talked to Kathy the director of activities about what all goes on in the facility. Everyday they have something different from the day before. One of the most popular actives happens to be bingo, but the activities range from beading to volleyball to bowling to baking.. They have movie nights and music. They can go shopping off the clothes rack boutique and have manicures done every other week. Some people see moving into a assisted living facility as the end of their life. It's the place they go to die, but not this facility. It gives the residents a chance to socialize and be papered. These people have had some hard times in their lives, so maybe this facility gives them a chance to live like they never have been able to.
That night I went back to the Salvation Army to help out with Sunbeams. I felt a pang of guilt knowing that I wouldn't be back the next week. Luci though I found her slightly annoying had found her way into my heart with the hold she took on my hand. I was hoping walking away from this experience would be easier than it was, but it took its toll. I remember being told that if I wanted to do something like this I had to have to stomach for it. I took the statement as a challenge, and completed it. This is the reason why even though I was offered a chance to go back I will not be. I do not wish to be seen as one who will come and and just walk away again. That is something that I do not have the stomach for. I know very well that with the wedding coming up this summer along with the foundation that I am building that my time has been slowly diminishing. The kids are one that I won't be forgetting.

Stranded

A two-wheel drive car is not the vehicle of choice in the winter for a NW Iowa resident, but seeing as it is my only choice I was unable and still am unable to make it back to Sioux Falls. Thanks to icy roads and horrible visibility I am stranded. This is the second time I've been stranded due to weather conditions, and now frankly I've decided it's time for winter to be over. Spring and Summer should get here. NOW!!!! I'm hoping that this front will clear out before tonight so I can get back. If not I'm not risking it again. I have no intentions after last nights almost going in the ditch and then almost kissing another car while only making it a 6th of the way back to Sioux Falls. Hope to be out of this house before I get stir crazy.

whirlwind

On Thursday, we went to go have "tea." Well my tea turned into brewed chocolate which turns out really isn't my cup of tea, but neither are tea and coffee. We spent a lot of time talking about grass roots theatre and were given a lot of websites to look like. It was a good time, and the explanation was well used. After getting back to my dorm room I crashed shortly after changing, and woke up to get ready and head to the Washington Pavilion. After walking around the VAC for two hours, a piece of art had yet to capture my attention, but the place as a whole had filled me up. I had a feeling and need to create a painting, drawing, or something myself. This turned out the be an ice sculpture of a rabbit shortly before it crashed to the ground. I left straight from the Pavilion to go home and have dinner with my mom. Shortly after I went on a grocery expedition with my parents. It turns out the grocery shopping wasn't as it was when I lived at home. Now it's pretty much throw whatever in the cart doesn't matter if everyone likes it or not. When we returned, I had enough time to get ready for a night out with my mentor and friends. Chris showed up, and we went out to eat with my mentor and his wife. Then later we were joined by a good friend for two rounds of bowling. After two rounds of bowling it was 9 P.M. and too early to go home, but too late to go to our usual ice cream spot. So we returned to my place and hung out in the hot tub till 2 A.M.. Turns out when we are attempting to get to bed half way on time that means to number one not talking to my dad and number two not to start talking about random things. The whirlwind that has taken over since Thursday night has now calmed.

Nothing to do but wait

Today was a day of nothingness, or so it seemed. I read two book (one for fun one for class). We attempted to work at the Salvation Army but the youth activities were cancelled due to weather. We decided to sanitize the place. Then we came back. Not sure what I learned yet, but I'm sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. I'll let you know when it comes to me.

New Slate

Shame and pain
seem to go hand-in-hand
these days.
I just got out today,
and I try
hold my head high.
No one knows me here,
but it's like they all know
what I've done.
They can't though.
This is like a new start
for me.
I haven't had one
of those in a long time.
I've needed it, I guess.
I got no family left,
so it's a completely fresh slate.
This time my past won't catch up with me.

Today while working at the St. Francis house, I over heard a woman say that this was a new start for her. It make me think. Don't we all need that sometimes. My high school back home was devastated a little over a week ago by a friend taking his own life. I wonder if he had a chance for a fresh start would it have made a difference. I wonder if he ever had the chance. He brought my community back home to it's knees. Yesterday I walked through the halls of my high school and the laughter that was there when I walked the halls was sadly dimmed. Now I walked through the door of a homeless shelter and I find joy and home that each one of those back home should feel. I believe that most of us could use a new start, a blank slate. This slate is given to us every morning when we wake up. We can't change what we wrote in the past, but we can change what we are going to write. We have a chance to ask for forgiveness and have the past wiped away. The problem is are we willing to forgive ourselves to accept the gift that's waiting for us?